So much of this business is just being in the right place at the right time. Meeting someone by happenstance that will introduce you to someone else, who knows a guy who knows a guy… Things that are out of your control. Which can be very frustrating. I’m the kind of person who wants to control everything she can control. It’s why I’m such a chronically early person. I figure, so much can happen between here and your destination, why leave any room for error where you can avoid it? Sometimes 5 minutes makes all the difference. To be early is to be on time, and all that.

I admit, it’s hard being on a career path that is so poorly lit. If I wanted to be an accountant, I would have a much clearer road. Go to school. Major in accounting. Study, pass your classes. Graduate. Get a job. Study some more, get certified. Boom, you’re rich. Being in the theater is nothing like that. Sure you could go to school, but you don’t have to. You could move to New York City. You could also be discovered in the mall in your hometown. You could go to every conceivable audition you can find, it still never guarantees that you’ll be what the casting people are looking for. You could be the most talented person who ever lived, but so many arbitrary little details that you can’t change can mean the difference between stardom and starving. And the thing is, there’s nothing you can do about it.

I can’t do anything to convince a producer that the lead character in his musical can indeed be a little overweight, and it won’t affect the audience’s ability to believe that someone could fall in love with her. I can’t hold a gun to an agent’s head and demand they represent me, no matter what. I can’t beg on my hands and knees for a casting director to submit me for a role I know I could play, even though I might be a little younger than they want to cast (well, I could… but I won’t).

 And it’s so dangerous, this game. I’m a strong girl, but sometimes I feel like I’m being crushed under the weight of what this industry wants me to be. It’d be so much easier if I wanted to have any career that only requires an education. But I don’t. This is all I’ve ever wanted to be, so here I am. I’ve been coasting along for far too long, trying to satisfy everyone. But the time is coming for me to slough off the little voice in the back of my head that whispers “security.” That voice can bite my ass. This industry is not about security.

All I can do is control me. I can only manipulate the clay that is myself. I can tweak my appearance to the best it can be. I can perfect my skills so that I can perform the role. I can get my face out there, sing for anyone who will hear me.

The risk always remains that no one will listen.

But the song is supposed to be for me. It will be, someday.

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