Don’t really know what to write today. I suppose that’s OK. This is sort of my “morning pages” I guess, although it’s not exactly the same. It’s not handwritten, it’s not 3 pages worth of stuff. But it is a daily exercise (well, weekday-ly), forcing me to connect to a creative part of myself. I can’t wait to have more time to concentrate on myself, and the creative parts of myself. These days it’s just about surviving the day, to get back into bed and recapture some small part of my own individuality. Before I completely lose it and pass out.

I can’t even explain how good it will be when I have more control over how I spend my time. It’s hard not to forget that I am, even now, in control. everything I do is my decision. It’s a leftover thing from childhood to perceive our lives as determined by others, so sometimes I feel like my life is still being parented in some way, by my job in my current reality. But I am, in fact, the only one who determines how I spend my life. I have been choosing to spend the weekdays of the last 2 years here, doing this work, being compensated in this way. I can let go of a lot of the resentment I’ve held if I just remember that I have no one to blame, no one to hold responsible but myself. And that is a very freeing thing, to tell the truth. It doesn’t seem like it would be, but it is. It’s liberating because if I am in control, then I can change anything at any time.

And that’s what I’m working on.

God I want some stuffed crust pizza right now.

LLL-

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