Last night was the first rehearsal for Queen’s Privy. Man, this is one dirty, disturbing show. At least it will be when we’re done with it. ūüôā Oh man, I am scandalized! But seriously, as challenging as this piece promises to be, I know we’re gonna have a blast, and hopefully the audience (if they have a good sense of humor) will too. Now I have to work on a standard RP british accent. Yikes. Oh well, guess I’d have to do it eventually.

So, today is the one year anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death. It’s poignant¬†for me, because I can remember how legitimately¬†upset I was. And not just sad, but in absolute awe of the effect this man seemingly had on the world. For all the scandal and jokes, I can’t think of one person who has attained the level of icon status that he did. A complex icon, that inspired so many different kinds of reactions from people. Reviled, adored, mistrusted, pitied, derided and worshipped. I can’t help but stand back and look at the life he led, at least the parts of it that have been made public, and feel sorry for him. To have¬†his childhood taken from him, exposed to the seedy parts of life before he should’ve been, the media always hounding him, becoming the world’s most succesful entertainer, and looking to his fans for the love he never got as a child. I don’t know if I believe that he was a child molester, but I do believe that if he was, there would be a concise and¬†transparent course that brought him there.

When he died, I was in utter shock. This was one of those people who I thought would always be around. To have him disappear like that – so unexpectedly, so mysteriously – smacked me in the face with a brick. And I cried, like a little kid, because that’s¬†the¬†part of me¬†he reminded me of. I was too young to remember when he was in his prime, but I do remember him before all the scandals hit. Even after they did, I was too young to understand what they really meant. I just knew that I loved his music, and that was enough for me. That never changed for me. I never had a moment where I thought “He’s messed up in the head, I don’t like him anymore.” I acknowledged his struggles, and kept dancing. When he died,¬†I felt the loss of another piece¬†of my¬†childhood.

Someone I hung out with that night didn’t really understand why I was upset, as I obviously¬†didn’t know him personally.¬†That’s true, I didn’t. But I knew the Michael that was a part of me, that I had imagined in my head when I used to listen to Bad¬†over and over and over. I¬†knew the Michael that had sung what I was feeling.¬†That Michael¬†was dead now, and that provided further proof that I am not, in fact, a kid anymore. One more reminder that childish things must all pass away. I¬†was upset, dammit. ¬†I actually felt sorry for the person who didn’t have at least some small reaction to what happened.

Today is the reminder that time goes on, inevitably. Even after such an event, when a part of who we used to be dies, we don’t actually lose it. It is still there inside us, in a new way. We don’t lose who we were as children, not really.¬†We are still now who we were back then. Even though that part of my childhood has left this earth, he still is a part of me.

And it also reminds me that it has been a year since I saw or spoke to that particular person, the one who didn’t care that Michael Jackson had died. And honestly, why would I want to associate with such a person? I think that was a pretty definitive sign that said individual was dead inside, and didn’t deserve my attention. ūüôā

So, listen to some good MJ tunes today, and remember who you were back when you first heard them. Cuz you’re still that person.

Everyday creates your history-